The charm and beauty of Filipina ladies

  Not sure if I’ve written something as specific as this before. Maybe Filipina charm and Filipina beauty is pretty obvious to Down Under Visa and Filipina Wives BLOG readers, but I feel like writing about it. Because if it wasn’t for the charm and beauty of Filipina ladies, none of us would have any specific to talk about, would we?    

  Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, of course. I always liked petite women. Always preferred brunettes to blondes. And I have early memories of being a 6 or 7 year old and finding a little girl at school of Asian background to be particularly pretty. So yes, it made it particularly logical that one day I stopped dating Aussie women and turned my attention to the Philippines. Odd that I didn’t do so earlier, really. I’ve lived full time in the Philippines for the last 7 years, and to me it’s far more normal to see Filipinas than it is to see Caucasians. And I’m not complaining in any way.  

Filipina charm and personal qualities

And whist beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the number one factor in why I think we decent Aussie gentlemen find ourselves attracted to Filipina girls is their charm. Their sweetness. Their gentleness. Their kindness. Their generosity and compassion. Their easy-going nature. Their old-fashioned and stable attitudes toward marriage, families and children. And that propensity to smile just-because! To me? Those are definitely the factors that push our lovely Filipina wives and sweethearts well and truly over the line, and make them completely irresistible. I can remember talking to Australian friends after my first two relationships with Filipina ladies fell down, and discussing how I would try again. Aussie woman looks at me and asks me why I hadn’t “learned my lesson yet?” Why on earth would I try again? Why don’t I just look for a local lady? I asked her a straight question, and to her credit she answered honestly. I said “OK, YOU tell me if you know of any local woman whom you could introduce me to who would be prepared to get to know me with a view to marriage-for-life and would make a great wife and mother to my two sons?” She knew a lot of people, yet after thinking for a bit she shook her head. Plenty of lovely ladies around in Australia, but most of them are married and will stay married. Of the ones that are left, it’s not so easy to find someone who has the family values, traditional view on marriage and easy-going kind caring nature to match what the average family-oriented Aussie man is looking for. Yet in the Philippines? It’s not so unusual. Yes, I recently had a bit of a rip into the effect of modern western-style values on the younger Filipino population, and I stand by this. But it’s still not so hard to find a sweet, kind and caring lady here who can make you very happy. I tend to think in a positive tone that many of the “millennials” will soon tire of the experimentation into western style morality when they meet a decent man who wants to marry them.  

Filipina kindness

I couldn’t write this without praising my own wonderful wife Mila. Couldn’t possibly hope for anybody to take better care of me than her. Most selfless and generous person I’ve ever known, and like that line in the movie “She made me want to be a better person”. Fact! I know I’m kinder and more generous than I was before I met her, simply by being with her every day. And because she’s very obviously taken already, I will tell you that she’s not the only kind-hearted and generous woman here in the Philippines. Empathy for others, and a willingness to share what they have and to give of themselves, this is normal here in the Philippines. Kindness is shown to friends, family, total strangers and very much to husbands of Filipina ladies! My challenge is to try to keep up with how much she does for me. I try, but I haven’t a hope because I don’t believe I have the same capacity for kindness. Although simple gestures, kind words, sharing time and a few romantic gestures seem to go a long way.  

Filipina smiles

And smiles? My goodness, how wonderful it is to be greeted by ladies who smile for absolutely no reason at all? To have a house full of laughter. Where ladies don’t spend too much time dwelling on those real or imaginary things that could get them down, because there’s always something better to think about and plenty of reasons to be grateful for a good life. Hard to frown when she’s too busy counting her blessings! And being greeted by a smiling face from someone who’s genuinely happy just because you’re there? That’s something pretty special.   So yes, I must admit my beauty-detector finds these ladies utterly gorgeous physically. Big brown eyes like chocolates. Shiny black hair. Cute little noses. Coffee-coloured skin. Utterly delicious! But whilst that’s very pleasant, it’s the beautiful hearts that these ladies possess that is their true essence. It’s that goodness that the love and the smiles stem from. I’m happy, and I’m not going anywhere!    

The following blog post The charm and beauty of Filipina ladies wasis republished from www.filipinawives.com.au

Decline in Morality in Philippines

  The Philippines was always known as the last bastion of innocence, where old fashioned “family values” still thrived and were the norm. It was the home of the virginal young lady waiting for Mr Right. Is there a decline in morality in the Philippines? If so, what happened?  

Australian men, like myself in years past, were often jaded by the feminism/divorce culture that exists in Australia and headed to the Philippines looking for a future wife who still believed in the concept and practice of lifelong marriage. We found sweet and romantic girls, most of whom were virgins or perhaps had one previous partner who had let them down. They believed in being courted with the intention of marriage. Many still dated with chaperones present! And dancing meant dancing with female cousins at the Barangay Fiesta only! No nightclubbing! Well, whilst it isn’t all bad, things have definitely changed in the last 5 – 10 years. Now, you may or may not agree with me, but I hope all can at least see my motivation. My question is whether changes are making people….especially young people….actually happy or not.  

Morality changes in Philippines – Post-Internet

I first came to the Philippines in the 90’s. This was the letter-writing era, where the girl may have had a neighbor with a telephone she could call you “collect” on. Internet cafes started appearing in the late 90’s, and cost P25 – P35 an hour. Connections were slow, but it meant an Australian Filipina couple could send some emails maybe a few times a week. But there was no Facebook and little exposure to popular culture and different morality from the big wide world out there. This was the days where a girl would ask “Is Australia near Canada?” As for knowledge of "non-Filipino morality", I had a college-educated cousin of a former girlfriend ask me “Is it true that people in England had sex in the streets?” She had a boyfriend from the UK, and she was worried about that! No one was dull or prudish, but there was like a “G-Rated” naïve innocence prevailing that was rather charming. Post-Internet? This seems to be where the changes started from my observation. It became possible to use Yahoo and other sites to meet up with people from other countries. Social media platforms like Friendster and MySpace became popular. Nowadays there are cheap phone plans that include free access to Facebook. I believe there are "pick-up" sites out there too, for those who only want a casual fling. And this has coincided with the availability of cheap smartphones, with easy Facebooking abilities and to take and send both photos and videos. What all this meant was that young internet-users/phone-users soon saw that there were other views, other attitudes and other "versions" or interpretations of morality out there. The belief has long been that everything is better overseas, particularly in the US, and that meant the tendency was to follow what they saw and heard. Therefore who became the authority sources in questions of what was wrong or right? Miley Cyrus and Arianna Grande, rather than parents and teachers! Miley can swing naked on her wrecking ball for all to see, and Justin Bieber can show off his naked buttocks, and that’s all OK. And this is in a nation where girls normally don’t even wear bikinis to swim (ie. they swim in shorts and tshirts)!  

Morality in the Philippines today

OK, maybe some of you are thinking I’m some sort of old fuddy duddy killjoy by now, but nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I’m definitely old fashioned, and yes I believe in marriage. I also believe that those who marry the person who truly loves and respects them and shares something with them that they’ve shared with nobody else is very fortunate. They’ve lost nothing and they’ve missed out on no happiness at all. In fact they've gained a happiness and contentment that partying and multiple-partners will never give them. Unfortunately it’s hard as a parent to give advice that’s contrary to what the latest hoard of “beautiful people” are saying and doing. The fact is that you actually want them to lead a great life with “fun” that isn’t destructive and hurtful. Teenage boys will always lie about being in love, and will always use girls for their own shallow satisfaction if the girls let them. And there is a universal dislike of condoms here, so they won’t use them. And that leads to sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) and creates single mothers. The law doesn't force boys to support their children here, so lives tend to be turned upside down very quickly. Not much fun when these things happen, is there? Is there an answer? No simple answer that I know of. As parents, please try to be aware of this tendency and try to give your kids good advice and guidance. As fathers, try to let your daughters know they are loved unconditionally so they won’t be so vulnerable in that area. And don’t be scared to have a few rules. And in general, be aware of the changes that are taking place and make your own decisions accordingly.    

The following post Decline in Morality in Philippines was originally published to Filipina Wives

Filipina ladies – Telling the truth or saving face

  In the Philippines there is often a conflict between telling the truth and saving “face”. There are also issues of being shy, of not offending others by saying something confronting, and of course being concerned about what others think. This can clash with the Australian way of being blunt and direct by preference. How do you deal with this in an Australian Filipina relationship?    

 

Australia and Philippines – Some basic differences with truth

Australians and Filipinos have a different approach to truth. Please note there are no value-judgments being made here. Not saying anyone is “good” or “bad” here. Just saying that we deal with matters that require what we call “straight answers” differently. Australians like to “tell it how it is”. No mucking about. No B.S. Answer the question. Tell it straight. Take it on the chin. We expect straight answers, and we accept what we’re told without suspicion or the need to re-interpret and ask ourselves “What did they mean by this?” Filipinos tend to think of the consequences of what they are about to say before they say it. Will it sound bad? Will it reflect badly on them? Will it reflect badly on someone else? Will it be embarrassing or shameful? Will the person hearing it be annoyed, unhappy or disappointed? Will it lead to some dire consequences? If so, there is a tendency to say something else, or to simply say nothing.  

Negative consequences of not telling the truth to an Australian

Yes, in true Australian straight-forward manner, I will state that the main purpose of this article is to tell Filipina ladies in relationships with Australian men that they need to get into the habit of being direct and transparent. Keeping secrets, embellishing stories or simply not telling the truth? This goes down very badly with Australians, and can cause problems in your relationship and in dealings you have with DIPB and the Australian Embassy as part of an Australian visa application! The other purpose is to explain this difference to Australian men, to not only learn that your Filipina girl is not an awful person for doing this, ie. it’s normal where she comes from, and we are all products of our upbringing and our environment, and also so you are prepared for this and can learn to question what you hear.  

Personal consequences and relationship consequences

Your Australian man will assume you are telling the simple truth. He will have no concept of needing to work out if you mean something else, because you feel nakakahiya (embarrassed/ashamed). So he will believe you and will defend you. You must not betray his trust, as it’s not something you will regain very quickly. And couples can experience awful fights over matters like this.  

Visa application consequences

Husband consequences? Your husband will most likely forgive you for not telling the truth. The Department of Immigration and Border Protection will not! And Down Under Visa won’t be too pleased either, let me tell you. We rely on you supplying us with truthful answers and truthful information in general. Mila (my wife and business partner), being Filipina, has a combination of Filipino scrutiny and suspicion with Australian bluntness. If she suspects someone of telling an “imaginative” story, she will warn that person of the consequences of false statements and bogus documents. Visa consequences? Visa application refusal, and a 3 year ban under Regulation 4020. That becomes a 10 year ban if they doubt your identity. I’m sure you can well imagine how it would feel if you were hit with this! So don’t do it, unless you enjoy awful things happening to you. The Department have ways unknown to us of how they find out things that people are hiding. Yes, maybe it’s embarrassing to you to admit you have four kids, or maybe you didn’t want to mention that marriage you had when you were 18. And yes, it will be annoying having to deal with the fake birth certificate, but the consequences to a visa application are far worse!  

Overcoming shyness in favour of truth

Start with your husband. Start with the man with whom you feel safe and loved. Take a few deep breaths, and tell him the truth. You will soon realise that nothing bad will happen when you do this. You will maintain his trust, and you will have a stronger marriage as a result. And you won’t have to remember what different stories you told to different people either, which makes life so much simpler. You are intending to live in Australia with an Australian man, right? Well, this is the Australian way. You really have to do it, and it’s not a bad habit to develop.    

The following blog post Filipina ladies – Telling the truth or saving face wasFind more at: Filipina Wives Marriage Advice Blog

Social climbing in the Philippines

  How do you cope as a "rich man in the Philippines"? Yes, like it or not, that’s what you are here. That’s how the locals see you and regardless of what you say or feel, they will always see you that way, and you will encounter the ugly side of social climbing. So deal with it! And as part of an Australian Filipina relationship you simply must deal with it, if you intend spending any time here or relating to anyone here.  

Yes, social classes have long existed in the Philippines

    Like most Australians, I’ve always detested the word “rich”, so please no one get offended and think I'm looking down on anybody here. Not kosher at all for Aussies to use it, just like that equally awful word “class”. Australia was originally founded on convicts and other rejects from Mother England, as we know. And we’ve always relished in our aversion to the class system, and have always taken great delight in equalizing all around us. If someone is “up himself” (or mayabang in Tagalog…..see last article), we love bringing them down to our level. And if someone is humbling themselves before us, we pull them UP to our level. We can’t stand either extreme.  

Social climbing and social positioning in Philippines

Here in Philippines things are a little different to how they are in Australia. Everyone knows their place in the social ladder when compared to others, and they all know how to relate to others on the different levels. Example: Many years ago, I met a Filipina lady at an expat gathering in Manila. Had an English boyfriend. Said she was interested in a visa to Australia. Gave her a card, and thought nothing of it. Well, she calls our office and wants to talk to somebody. Mila did the honours. Well! Thinking that Mila was a lowly secretary, she talked to her like she was something scraped off the bottom of her shoe! Didn’t go over too well, as anyone who knows Mila would know. But she did that because she had assumed a more-important role because she was involved with a “rich white man”. Funny thing was when she met Mila…..with me, this time….the tone was very different. She was instantly humble, because she was on a lower rung being a girlfriend rather than wife of foreigner. That’s how it works here. You’ll notice that doctors, lawyers, engineers, school teachers, and basically everyone professional, they tend to take on an air of superiority. And people “suck up to them”, and will call them “sir” or “maam”, or even “ate” even if they are younger. We’ve had people visiting our home and heard them on the phone saying “I’m at madam’s house”! Hah! Mila, despite her illustrious position as the wife of rich white fellah, still dresses and acts the same as she ever did. She takes great delight in telling people that she’s “just the household helper”, because due to her time in Australia she can’t handle the “madam” stuff.  

Problems with being “rich”, and with social climbers

I covered issues with staff in a previous article. Please have a read now if you didn’t. Important points. Other issues? I covered being maarte and artificial social-climbing in another article too. You need to be aware of this, because it’s an area that can cause you problems when you become close to those who are….how shall I put this politely? Those who are prone to the temptations to climb the social ladder by latching onto someone who’s already up the ladder. One of the problems here is that ordinary people watch some questionable-quality TV! And the TV likes to portray rich people as living the most magical of lives. All with perfect hair, perfect teeth, glowing white skin and not a pimple in sight. Dad drives a BMW, and everyone but the servants spend their lives enjoying themselves. No one actually works or gets their manicured hands dirty! Show too much attention or kindness without being aloof, and people assume they can jump onto your bandwagon! Example: I have a sister-in-law (more like a daughter to me these days) whom we employed as a household helper in 2010. She’s still here, and married to my brother-in-law. She still works here. Regardless of how close we are to her, she’s one of the rare Filipinos who makes no assumptions. She’s happy to work, and she knows she isn’t entitled to our “wealth” by osmosis. Well, when she visits her relatives in the province? They all try to borrow money from her, because they assume that (a) she does absolutely no work, and (b) we just shower her with money just-because! Annoys her beyond belief! But that’s their assumption. Another example: We have a niece-of-sorts that we had with us for about a year, as a working student basically. Poor family. Dad grows bananas, etc. The family vehicle is a carabao called Manuel. So, we thought we’d help her out. Put her into university. Let her gain 8kg in weight. Expected a few hours a day of housework to be done. Sound fair? We thought so! Well, unlike sister-in-law, this one became totally mayabang! She was family, so therefore she was entitled to share in the pickings from the family money tree! Resented the jobs she had to do. Talked down to other household staff. Smiled sweetly at me, but not at anyone else. Somehow we turned a simple girl from an unnamed mountain in Iriga into Kris Aquino (former President Aquino’s sister, and basically a Professional-Famous-Person with a high opinion of herself)! Well, she’s back there washing clothes in the irrigation channels and walking two hours back up the mountain these days. Yes, I had tried and tried to explain about the pointless pursuit of social status, but this belief was far too ingrained.   Solution? Not really sure there is one. It’s not the first time we’ve had someone stay with us, only to think they were suddenly better than everyone else. I guess that every time it happens, I naturally become just that bit more aware. We have some old school friends of my daughter Remy staying with us since Sunday. We’re training them to work in the office, and so far they’re showing some promise. Yes, I’ll take great satisfaction in seeing a few more kg on them, and I’m pleased they have a chance at something good. But I’ll be keeping some distance to ensure that nothing gets wrecked by anyone getting their heads full of unrealistic aspirations. Had enough Kris Aquino’s to last a lifetime!    

The following blog post Social climbing in the Philippines wasis available on www.filipinawives.com.au

Ate and Kuya? Family acceptance in the Philippines.

  If you’ve visited the Philippines as part of an Australian Filipina relationship, no doubt someone has called you “kuya” or “ate” (pronounced like “ah-tay”) if you are a girl. You’ve probably asked about it and had it explained to you. But there’s a bit more to it, and it’s actually quite charming and reminiscent of old-Australia in some ways. There are some societies that are fairly closed. I haven’t actually lived anywhere but Australia or Philippines, so I couldn’t tell you the intricacies of other countries for comparison as I can with Australian and Filipino societies. But I think we know instinctively that the Philippines is just that bit friendlier and more inclusive than many others where people are not valued quite as much as they are here.    

 

Relating to each other – Philippines and also old-Australia

I sometimes find myself caught out a bit when I speak of Australia and Australians, and how “Aussies wouldn’t do this…….” about various things, but reality is that I can’t really speak for all sectors of Australian society in this day and age……particularly in relation to my own day and particularly my age! I’m 51 years old. Not what one would call “old”, but at the age where I find myself saying “in MY day…”, or where I tell my kids about something I did at their age and realise that it was 40 years ago! THEY think I’m old! Fortunately whilst growing old is compulsory, growing UP is still optional. I also lived in rural QLD for 18 years before moving here, and old-fashioned Aussie values are still alive and well in the bush. Long may this remain the case! But the point I’m getting to (another sign of age!) is that “in MY day” kids used to refer to their elders as “Auntie” and “Uncle”, and never by their first name. Would have copped a clip behind the ear if you did otherwise! Here that will call each other “Ate” and “Kuya”, or sometimes “Tita” (auntie) or “Tito” (uncle), “Lola” (grandma) or “Lolo” (grandad) and a few other titles. Respectful titles, but there’s a bit more to it than that than just matters of respect. And I guess there was in Australia too, although probably not quite to the same extent as it is here. Please read on.  

Philippines – One big family

“Exclusive” means to exclude. And there are traditions which exclude and separate us into “them” and “us”. Filipino society is far more inclusive, which means there’s a willingness to include and more of a desire to do so. And it doesn’t take most people very long to realise this on coming here. People are what matters. Most Filipino’s personal treasure consists of the family and friends that they love, far more than money. They feel happiest when surrounded by their nearest-and-dearest. What made me think this the other day about the “kuya” and “ate” tradition was when a client said “Thank you, Kuya Jeff” to me when I complimented her on wedding pictures posted up on the “Philippines to Australia” Facebook group page. The message to me is “I’m your sister, and you’re my big brother!” Same thing happens when someone younger calls my wife “Ate Mila”. They respect her as an older sister, and she treats them with kindness and caring just the same as if she were biologically related. I can still remember many years ago when we first settled here we actually had a client come and stay with us for a few days just before her flight to Australia. Don’t get any ideas! The Down Under Visa B&B isn’t open for business! It just worked out that way in this case, and it was fine. She was out all day…..came back….Mila said “Tess, you should go to bed now”. She responded with “Yes, Ate” and went to bed! I think she was about 27 at the time. This is Philippines, and that’s not so unusual here! And I had a wonderful experience myself many years ago when I first came here in the 90’s. Yes, previous girlfriend. Steep learning curve! The issue was that her “Ninang” (godmother) and family basically took care of me as part of their family. She told me I was like a son to her, because of the relationship with previous-girlfriend. She and her family treated me then as one of their own, and to this day we’re still in contact. I’m “Ninong” (Godfather) to her 17^th grandchild now, and so it goes on. Nice, isn’t it? So yes, it’s a sign of respect most definitely. No kid here would ever call me “Jeff”. Most of them call me “Daddy” because it just worked out that way, but if they didn’t they would certainly find another respectful title for me. It says “I respect you”, but it also says “Please take care of me as you would one of your own”, and the right thing to do is to do just that in return. BE that big brother or that uncle to those who are younger than you. Be fatherly to kids and to teenagers. Let it bring out something good in you. Use your judgement, of course. Not everyone here has the best of intentions. But let a few barriers down, and you find yourself feeling more a part of everything and less like a stranger. It’s certainly one of the better aspects of Filipino society. One of the problems in western societies is loneliness and feeling isolated. It doesn’t happen very much here!  

The following article Ate and Kuya? Family acceptance in the Philippines. was first published on Filipina Wives Blog

Anti Mail Order Bride Laws in Philippines

  In the Philippines it is illegal to operate marriage agencies. The anti “mail order bride” laws are to protect the ladies of the Philippines from exploitation. Have you ever wondered why? It is illegal to operate any matchmaking services with the intention of matching up Filipina ladies and foreigners for the purposes of marriage. That applies to online agencies and physical agencies. That applies to any business or service that even promotes matchmaking with men from overseas, and this is written in Republic Act 6955.    

 

An act to declare unlawful the practice of matching Filipino women for marriage to foreign nationals on a mail order basis and other similar practices, including the advertisement, publication, printing or distribution of brochures, fliers and other propaganda materials in furtherance thereof and providing penalty therefore.

 

Why is matchmaking illegal in the Philippines?

I used to wonder why this law was put in place. It’s been law in the Philippines since 1990, and being an Aussie I initially didn’t get it at all. I’m not an exploiter myself, and I treat women as ladies no matter what. Therefore the need never really occurred to me. Marriage agencies exist in Australia. Why not here? There was a feature film made in 1991 called Filipina Dreamgirls, and whilst it was released a year after the law was enacted, it aptly demonstrates the reasons why this law was made. How? It portrayed genuine exploitation that would most certainly exist in the Philippines if these laws didn’t exist. The issue is not about stopping Australian men from marrying Filipina ladies. No one here has a problem with Darren from Perth falling in love with Jenelyn from Batangas, but they do most certainly have an issue with those people who see people as commodities that they can make money off, especially promoting pretty girls with shallow promises about how Filipinas make submissive wives. I can remember the online agencies in the 90’s made out that each Filipina girl was like a carbon copy of all the others, and they would encourage men to write to 4 or 5 girls, visit them all and then make his choice. I know! Yuck! The movie Filipina Dreamgirls had a plot much like that. English men in the movie wrote to Filipina girls. Girl wrote back. Men came to Manila on a tour. Stayed at the agency guesthouse. Met the girl in person in a party-like atmosphere. Got her in bed that night. Done deal! Now, if this was legal I could well imagine bar-owners here setting up “marriage-tour” operations on the side, offering bonuses to their bar staff to get involved, and encouraging them to jump on the men when they arrived. Easy money, and trash relationships resulting which would do no favours to either Filipina women or Australian men. An insult to Filipina women and an insult to the sacred institution of marriage. I have no issues with girls working in bars. I'm a happily married man myself and don't spend time in the bar scene, but the way I see it most are just trying to earn a living. I’m sure some human trafficking takes place, but I suspect most work there of their own free will and that’s therefore their own decision. Not sure I feel the same about the owners of the bars, but I’m talking about the girls themselves. We have clients who can, do and will meet girls in bars and they will hit it off and form relationships. But they will do so of their own free will, as will the ladies they meet. No manipulation, exploitation or profiteering. Everyone is free to choose whom they fall in love with and whom they marry. It’s a small world these days, and that means couples meet online and they get to know each other, and relationships sometimes develop. In some cases couples form relationships when they had no intention of this ever happening. And that’s the way the world works nowadays.  

Treating Filipinos with respect

This is a country where respect matters a great deal. Filipinos are generally shy and unassuming, and are generally always willing to help others. Kindness is seen everywhere, and you see very little arrogance or outward shows of pride. Most people you meet in the Philippines will show you a high level of respect, and showing a lack of respect to anybody is quite shocking to Filipinos. In return, they have very little tolerance to arrogant displays of disrespect toward themselves or toward other Filipinos. Meet a Filipina lady, fall in love with her and treat her with kindness and respect. The law will have no problems with you, nor will you encounter objections from locals at you marrying their countryfolk, as long as the love and respect is there. Add in some exploitation and make marriage into a travesty, and it becomes a different matter. The law is a very good law.    

The following article Anti Mail Order Bride Laws in Philippines was first published to Filipina Wives Blog

How to treat your Australian man

  There is an expression that goes around saying that “When you marry a Filipina, you marry the whole family”. I cringe a bit at the expression, because it’s something used by that very passive Australian man who accepts everything that comes from his new Filipino family without ever arguing. I think that everyone who knows me knows that I love the Philippines and Filipino people, otherwise why would I live here? And I try as much as I can to treat my Filipino family with kindness and respect, however it is a two-way street. I'm very patient and understanding, but only up to a point! Respect and understanding must flow both ways, or it ends badly.    

  But yes, if you do marry a Filipina, her family will play a part in both your lives because Filipinos are generally close to their family and their family members are rarely in the background. But this article is for the purposes of trying to help Filipinas AND their families to learn and to also adjust to the inevitable changes. Just as your family will be in his life, he will be in your life and their lives too. And as your husband, they need to understand and accept that their dealings with you are also dealings with him. And out of kindness and respect, you AND your Filipino family need to understand some important things about Australian men.  

Australians want to be accepted

Australians are egalitarian by nature. It means we treat everyone as an equal, and want to be treated the same. The kindest thing you can do is to treat him as a member of the family, and not as someone different. Filipinos use the word “foreigner”. In Australia, this is an insulting word because it says that this person does not belong. If you have a piece of glass or a splinter in your foot, it is a “foreign body” that you want to remove. Call an Australian a “foreigner” and treat him as one, as this is how you make him feel.   Let me explain some of the things over the years that have made me feel unwelcome • Filipinos who CAN speak English, speaking in Tagalog or their own dialect in front of me. • Filipinos avoiding talking to me, or being near me, or even greeting me when they visit, and claiming that they “feel shy”. If you value the feelings of the Australian family member, you should make a strong effort to get over your shyness. Shyness is often just laziness. • Answering my questions by speaking to my wife or another Filipino instead, because it’s easier for them. Also not discussing things with me that directly affect me. • I get very little of this one, because I have a very loyal wife. But I know it happens where family members try to persuade the Filipina wife to do things (especially regarding money) without discussing it with the Australian husband.   My relatives are basically a good and decent lot, and we fortunately have few of the ones who constantly have their hands out for money. And most of those attempts fail, because Mila is a tough  character. And they will do anything for us, and definitely never forget their utang. But yes, I felt like a foreigner when I first arrived on their doorstep many years ago, and I still do. I will tell you what I particularly love about Filipino children here. They see me as who I am and barely notice racial or cultural differences. I have adult family members who know nothing about me, regardless of how many years I’ve been around. I have one brother-in-law and his wife who treat me as their brother, and this means so much to me. And the kids get me very easily. But I also have relatives who will visit us, arriving and leaving via our back gate, and they can be here for several days without me even knowing they are here. I’ve since taken charge of the key to the back gate and made it clear that if they don’t have the good manners to arrive via my front door, to look me in the eye and to shake my hand (the men, that is), then I don’t want them coming here. They would never do that at a Filipino’s house. Shyness is no excuse for bad manners and a lack of respect.  

Filipinos? How to treat an Australian in-law

This is for Filipino wives and family members • Treat him like a human being, and not as a foreigner. And get to know him and who he actually is! You may even make a true friend! • Remember that despite his skin colour, his preference for English, his funny accent and his different customs, this is still your new in-law. He married your daughter/sister/niece. Give him the acceptance that is his right. • Wives? Your loyalty and your duty is to your husband and new family first. Don’t allow any relative to try to undermine that, and shame on any relatives who do anything that will weaken their marriage! • Speak English! There is nothing that excludes and isolates somebody like speaking in a language that they do not understand. Even if your English is poor, show some respect! No Australian will ever laugh at your poor English skills, which will always be better than his Tagalog skills! He knows this too. The brother-in-law I mentioned? He has just average English skills, especially now that he lives in Spain. But he will still sit next to me, and he will always greet me with a hug. • Wives? Your husband is not balato* for your family to share in. Keep money out of it, or it will go sour very quickly. Speaking for myself, I’m generous when it comes to welcoming guests (if they don’t arrive at the back gate!) and I’ve been very forthcoming when genuine emergencies happen. With the kids, we are especially generous and kind. But I find attempts to take advantage of us very hurtful when it comes from those who should be family. • And don’t judge him according to Filipino standards. Something he does may be bad manners by Filipino standards, yet perfectly normal for an Australian. Be assured that this works both ways, and hopefully he is also trying to understand Filipino differences without judging. Try to look for the intention behind the action or behavior. Are his intentions good? If so, let it go! (*“Balato” is a Filipino tradition of sharing winnings and good fortune with handouts to other family members)   Try it! Your lives will be much smoother and everyone will get fair treatment. I'm sure you all want this.    

The following blog post How to treat your Australian man wasRead more at: Filipina Wives Marriage Advice Blog