Decline in Morality in Philippines

  The Philippines was always known as the last bastion of innocence, where old fashioned “family values” still thrived and were the norm. It was the home of the virginal young lady waiting for Mr Right. Is there a decline in morality in the Philippines? If so, what happened?  

Australian men, like myself in years past, were often jaded by the feminism/divorce culture that exists in Australia and headed to the Philippines looking for a future wife who still believed in the concept and practice of lifelong marriage. We found sweet and romantic girls, most of whom were virgins or perhaps had one previous partner who had let them down. They believed in being courted with the intention of marriage. Many still dated with chaperones present! And dancing meant dancing with female cousins at the Barangay Fiesta only! No nightclubbing! Well, whilst it isn’t all bad, things have definitely changed in the last 5 – 10 years. Now, you may or may not agree with me, but I hope all can at least see my motivation. My question is whether changes are making people….especially young people….actually happy or not.  

Morality changes in Philippines – Post-Internet

I first came to the Philippines in the 90’s. This was the letter-writing era, where the girl may have had a neighbor with a telephone she could call you “collect” on. Internet cafes started appearing in the late 90’s, and cost P25 – P35 an hour. Connections were slow, but it meant an Australian Filipina couple could send some emails maybe a few times a week. But there was no Facebook and little exposure to popular culture and different morality from the big wide world out there. This was the days where a girl would ask “Is Australia near Canada?” As for knowledge of "non-Filipino morality", I had a college-educated cousin of a former girlfriend ask me “Is it true that people in England had sex in the streets?” She had a boyfriend from the UK, and she was worried about that! No one was dull or prudish, but there was like a “G-Rated” naïve innocence prevailing that was rather charming. Post-Internet? This seems to be where the changes started from my observation. It became possible to use Yahoo and other sites to meet up with people from other countries. Social media platforms like Friendster and MySpace became popular. Nowadays there are cheap phone plans that include free access to Facebook. I believe there are "pick-up" sites out there too, for those who only want a casual fling. And this has coincided with the availability of cheap smartphones, with easy Facebooking abilities and to take and send both photos and videos. What all this meant was that young internet-users/phone-users soon saw that there were other views, other attitudes and other "versions" or interpretations of morality out there. The belief has long been that everything is better overseas, particularly in the US, and that meant the tendency was to follow what they saw and heard. Therefore who became the authority sources in questions of what was wrong or right? Miley Cyrus and Arianna Grande, rather than parents and teachers! Miley can swing naked on her wrecking ball for all to see, and Justin Bieber can show off his naked buttocks, and that’s all OK. And this is in a nation where girls normally don’t even wear bikinis to swim (ie. they swim in shorts and tshirts)!  

Morality in the Philippines today

OK, maybe some of you are thinking I’m some sort of old fuddy duddy killjoy by now, but nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I’m definitely old fashioned, and yes I believe in marriage. I also believe that those who marry the person who truly loves and respects them and shares something with them that they’ve shared with nobody else is very fortunate. They’ve lost nothing and they’ve missed out on no happiness at all. In fact they've gained a happiness and contentment that partying and multiple-partners will never give them. Unfortunately it’s hard as a parent to give advice that’s contrary to what the latest hoard of “beautiful people” are saying and doing. The fact is that you actually want them to lead a great life with “fun” that isn’t destructive and hurtful. Teenage boys will always lie about being in love, and will always use girls for their own shallow satisfaction if the girls let them. And there is a universal dislike of condoms here, so they won’t use them. And that leads to sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) and creates single mothers. The law doesn't force boys to support their children here, so lives tend to be turned upside down very quickly. Not much fun when these things happen, is there? Is there an answer? No simple answer that I know of. As parents, please try to be aware of this tendency and try to give your kids good advice and guidance. As fathers, try to let your daughters know they are loved unconditionally so they won’t be so vulnerable in that area. And don’t be scared to have a few rules. And in general, be aware of the changes that are taking place and make your own decisions accordingly.    

The following post Decline in Morality in Philippines was originally published to Filipina Wives

Filipina ladies – Telling the truth or saving face

  In the Philippines there is often a conflict between telling the truth and saving “face”. There are also issues of being shy, of not offending others by saying something confronting, and of course being concerned about what others think. This can clash with the Australian way of being blunt and direct by preference. How do you deal with this in an Australian Filipina relationship?    

 

Australia and Philippines – Some basic differences with truth

Australians and Filipinos have a different approach to truth. Please note there are no value-judgments being made here. Not saying anyone is “good” or “bad” here. Just saying that we deal with matters that require what we call “straight answers” differently. Australians like to “tell it how it is”. No mucking about. No B.S. Answer the question. Tell it straight. Take it on the chin. We expect straight answers, and we accept what we’re told without suspicion or the need to re-interpret and ask ourselves “What did they mean by this?” Filipinos tend to think of the consequences of what they are about to say before they say it. Will it sound bad? Will it reflect badly on them? Will it reflect badly on someone else? Will it be embarrassing or shameful? Will the person hearing it be annoyed, unhappy or disappointed? Will it lead to some dire consequences? If so, there is a tendency to say something else, or to simply say nothing.  

Negative consequences of not telling the truth to an Australian

Yes, in true Australian straight-forward manner, I will state that the main purpose of this article is to tell Filipina ladies in relationships with Australian men that they need to get into the habit of being direct and transparent. Keeping secrets, embellishing stories or simply not telling the truth? This goes down very badly with Australians, and can cause problems in your relationship and in dealings you have with DIPB and the Australian Embassy as part of an Australian visa application! The other purpose is to explain this difference to Australian men, to not only learn that your Filipina girl is not an awful person for doing this, ie. it’s normal where she comes from, and we are all products of our upbringing and our environment, and also so you are prepared for this and can learn to question what you hear.  

Personal consequences and relationship consequences

Your Australian man will assume you are telling the simple truth. He will have no concept of needing to work out if you mean something else, because you feel nakakahiya (embarrassed/ashamed). So he will believe you and will defend you. You must not betray his trust, as it’s not something you will regain very quickly. And couples can experience awful fights over matters like this.  

Visa application consequences

Husband consequences? Your husband will most likely forgive you for not telling the truth. The Department of Immigration and Border Protection will not! And Down Under Visa won’t be too pleased either, let me tell you. We rely on you supplying us with truthful answers and truthful information in general. Mila (my wife and business partner), being Filipina, has a combination of Filipino scrutiny and suspicion with Australian bluntness. If she suspects someone of telling an “imaginative” story, she will warn that person of the consequences of false statements and bogus documents. Visa consequences? Visa application refusal, and a 3 year ban under Regulation 4020. That becomes a 10 year ban if they doubt your identity. I’m sure you can well imagine how it would feel if you were hit with this! So don’t do it, unless you enjoy awful things happening to you. The Department have ways unknown to us of how they find out things that people are hiding. Yes, maybe it’s embarrassing to you to admit you have four kids, or maybe you didn’t want to mention that marriage you had when you were 18. And yes, it will be annoying having to deal with the fake birth certificate, but the consequences to a visa application are far worse!  

Overcoming shyness in favour of truth

Start with your husband. Start with the man with whom you feel safe and loved. Take a few deep breaths, and tell him the truth. You will soon realise that nothing bad will happen when you do this. You will maintain his trust, and you will have a stronger marriage as a result. And you won’t have to remember what different stories you told to different people either, which makes life so much simpler. You are intending to live in Australia with an Australian man, right? Well, this is the Australian way. You really have to do it, and it’s not a bad habit to develop.    

The following blog post Filipina ladies – Telling the truth or saving face wasFind more at: Filipina Wives Marriage Advice Blog

Social climbing in the Philippines

  How do you cope as a "rich man in the Philippines"? Yes, like it or not, that’s what you are here. That’s how the locals see you and regardless of what you say or feel, they will always see you that way, and you will encounter the ugly side of social climbing. So deal with it! And as part of an Australian Filipina relationship you simply must deal with it, if you intend spending any time here or relating to anyone here.  

Yes, social classes have long existed in the Philippines

    Like most Australians, I’ve always detested the word “rich”, so please no one get offended and think I'm looking down on anybody here. Not kosher at all for Aussies to use it, just like that equally awful word “class”. Australia was originally founded on convicts and other rejects from Mother England, as we know. And we’ve always relished in our aversion to the class system, and have always taken great delight in equalizing all around us. If someone is “up himself” (or mayabang in Tagalog…..see last article), we love bringing them down to our level. And if someone is humbling themselves before us, we pull them UP to our level. We can’t stand either extreme.  

Social climbing and social positioning in Philippines

Here in Philippines things are a little different to how they are in Australia. Everyone knows their place in the social ladder when compared to others, and they all know how to relate to others on the different levels. Example: Many years ago, I met a Filipina lady at an expat gathering in Manila. Had an English boyfriend. Said she was interested in a visa to Australia. Gave her a card, and thought nothing of it. Well, she calls our office and wants to talk to somebody. Mila did the honours. Well! Thinking that Mila was a lowly secretary, she talked to her like she was something scraped off the bottom of her shoe! Didn’t go over too well, as anyone who knows Mila would know. But she did that because she had assumed a more-important role because she was involved with a “rich white man”. Funny thing was when she met Mila…..with me, this time….the tone was very different. She was instantly humble, because she was on a lower rung being a girlfriend rather than wife of foreigner. That’s how it works here. You’ll notice that doctors, lawyers, engineers, school teachers, and basically everyone professional, they tend to take on an air of superiority. And people “suck up to them”, and will call them “sir” or “maam”, or even “ate” even if they are younger. We’ve had people visiting our home and heard them on the phone saying “I’m at madam’s house”! Hah! Mila, despite her illustrious position as the wife of rich white fellah, still dresses and acts the same as she ever did. She takes great delight in telling people that she’s “just the household helper”, because due to her time in Australia she can’t handle the “madam” stuff.  

Problems with being “rich”, and with social climbers

I covered issues with staff in a previous article. Please have a read now if you didn’t. Important points. Other issues? I covered being maarte and artificial social-climbing in another article too. You need to be aware of this, because it’s an area that can cause you problems when you become close to those who are….how shall I put this politely? Those who are prone to the temptations to climb the social ladder by latching onto someone who’s already up the ladder. One of the problems here is that ordinary people watch some questionable-quality TV! And the TV likes to portray rich people as living the most magical of lives. All with perfect hair, perfect teeth, glowing white skin and not a pimple in sight. Dad drives a BMW, and everyone but the servants spend their lives enjoying themselves. No one actually works or gets their manicured hands dirty! Show too much attention or kindness without being aloof, and people assume they can jump onto your bandwagon! Example: I have a sister-in-law (more like a daughter to me these days) whom we employed as a household helper in 2010. She’s still here, and married to my brother-in-law. She still works here. Regardless of how close we are to her, she’s one of the rare Filipinos who makes no assumptions. She’s happy to work, and she knows she isn’t entitled to our “wealth” by osmosis. Well, when she visits her relatives in the province? They all try to borrow money from her, because they assume that (a) she does absolutely no work, and (b) we just shower her with money just-because! Annoys her beyond belief! But that’s their assumption. Another example: We have a niece-of-sorts that we had with us for about a year, as a working student basically. Poor family. Dad grows bananas, etc. The family vehicle is a carabao called Manuel. So, we thought we’d help her out. Put her into university. Let her gain 8kg in weight. Expected a few hours a day of housework to be done. Sound fair? We thought so! Well, unlike sister-in-law, this one became totally mayabang! She was family, so therefore she was entitled to share in the pickings from the family money tree! Resented the jobs she had to do. Talked down to other household staff. Smiled sweetly at me, but not at anyone else. Somehow we turned a simple girl from an unnamed mountain in Iriga into Kris Aquino (former President Aquino’s sister, and basically a Professional-Famous-Person with a high opinion of herself)! Well, she’s back there washing clothes in the irrigation channels and walking two hours back up the mountain these days. Yes, I had tried and tried to explain about the pointless pursuit of social status, but this belief was far too ingrained.   Solution? Not really sure there is one. It’s not the first time we’ve had someone stay with us, only to think they were suddenly better than everyone else. I guess that every time it happens, I naturally become just that bit more aware. We have some old school friends of my daughter Remy staying with us since Sunday. We’re training them to work in the office, and so far they’re showing some promise. Yes, I’ll take great satisfaction in seeing a few more kg on them, and I’m pleased they have a chance at something good. But I’ll be keeping some distance to ensure that nothing gets wrecked by anyone getting their heads full of unrealistic aspirations. Had enough Kris Aquino’s to last a lifetime!    

The following blog post Social climbing in the Philippines wasis available on www.filipinawives.com.au